Autumn

There’s something about autumn that has always enchanted me.

The way the air smells sort of like burning wood when the temperatures grow more crisp, the way the leaves turn, the fact that most of the major events of my life have taken place in September or October… I can’t really put a finger on why, but I have fall in my bones.

Interestingly enough, I usually tend toward being more reserved, almost depressed, during this time of year as well. Seasonal depression is definitely a real thing, and I think I get a touch of it. Some years are worse than others, depending on external factors like my job or how much money we have coming in, but every year I grow a little greyer as the leaves turn and the days get shorter. In spite of this, I always look forward to this time of year. My wife and I both have birthdays in October, we were married in October, we first began our courtship at a Halloween party in 2007. My mom’s birthday is in October, my grandparents were married in October… it’s a time for celebrating the lives of the people I love while contemplating how to get through the coming winter. It’s also stressful, because money and opportunities tend to get harder to come by for us. (My wife’s job is more or less bound to spring/summer, as a local gardener/landscaper.)

The last few autumns have been particularly rough on all fronts, financial and emotional; however, I have hope that this year won’t be as bad. Work should be easier than last year, as I stepped down from a ridiculously stressful position at work and into something I can do in my sleep. I make more or less the same amount of money, too, which was an unforseen bonus. Sarah should be able to pull in more money than last year, as well, although how much more remains to be seen. The best part, though, is that this year I have a plan for spring beyond “don’t starve between now and then”, and it’s awesome: Sarah and her business partner have been getting more and more clients, and in the coming year, I will probably transition from Whole Foods to full-time self-employed gardener. (I mean, I guess my wife would technically be my boss, but…. that’s true anyway, so….) I love plants, always have. Don’t know dick about them, but I am super excited to learn.

In the mean time, I’ve carved out a space to write. Not just physically, either, although the wife and I made a dope little study area for my writings to happen in. I mean mentally and emotionally as well: I’ve been cutting things like Facebook and certain news sources out of my life to stop myself getting distracted and distraught all the time, I’ve been working really hard on my anxiety and ways to get through panic attacks and shit (which, considering I’ve been mostly making all those ways up as I go along, has been shockingly successful), and I’ve been developing daily habits to get myself back in the routine of writing every day again. Also, work should be a breeze, as mentioned before. So far, so good, and if I can keep it up through the winter, I should be calmer, not completely destitute, and writing between 1500-2000 words a day. Perfect set-up for transitioning into a new career which should provide me with a sense of independence and autonomy that my life has been sorely lacking for years now.

So, even though my spirits have been sagging a bit lately and work has been an absolute grind, the horizon is approaching with gifts of relief and room to grow. I just need to keep marching.

I feel like I could write a whole separate post about how work is crushing people’s souls and minds in our culture…. which probably means I will, sooner or later…

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